Friday 21st February.
Decorating is often a source of household conflict. For weeks Inaction man had been staring at his paint chart, unable to choose between such disparate colours as Tofu, Styrofoam and mashed Potato. Worn out, he had fallen asleep, and Kitscherella had taken matters into her own hands. She had chosen pink, pink, sparkles and pink.
Friday 14th February.
Edgar Allan’s parents has assured him that they were going out, and he had planned the perfect Valentine’s Day date. His mate Craig had got him some wine, he had a video of “The Lost Boys” and had written a heartfelt poem to his love.
However, his parents seemed determined to ruin his evening. First his mother had “popped in” to show off her new Step Aerobics outfit. Now his dad was here, wittering on about the jazz club he was going to, and OMG was he SCATTING now? Edgar Allen’s life was officially over.
Friday 7th February.
In these times when we are all worried about climate change, why has nobody found a way to harness the energy of small girls at a sleepover? The morning after one of these events they are still insanely perky after just half an hour of sleep, while the host parents most strongly resemble disintegrating zombies on the fifth day of the apocalypse.
Friday 24th January.
Sindy’s brother had called in case she wasn’t aware that he was taking part in Dry January, and that he was feeling wonderful, and everyone should try it. Sindy was counting to one hundred, and trying not to point out that she had done Dry ’08-’09, Dry ’12-’13, and Dry 16-’17. Her work here was done.
Friday 17th January.
Mandy’s new bar had only been open for half an hour and she was already regretting the name. So far she’d had a complaint about the lack of soft white sand, two enquiries about the whereabouts of the nearest panama retailer and seventeen people had asked her if drinks were free.
Friday 10th January.
Mandy and Michelle had meant to stay in, have a wheatgrass juice and maybe do some yoga.
Then they remembered that they had new boots.
Friday 3rd January!
“Let’s buy musical instruments for the children!” Fleur’s husband had brightly suggested before Christmas. Now he had been urgently called back to the office just as the girls had really mastered the high notes. Fleur was sure this was just a coincidence.
Friday 27th December.
Sindy had on her most Christmassy outfit. Surely it was only a matter of time before someone mistook her for Mariah Carey and brought her some kittens and unicorns?
Merry Christmas to all the lovely friends and customers of Jollydollyshop. Have a fabulous time everyone!
Friday 20th December.
Cinderella regarded her Fairy Godmother wearily. “Are you sure I’m meant to go to a ball? Only I’ve already got my pyjamas on, and to be honest I had a big night out last night.
Friday 13th December.
The house was full of relatives and Edgar Allan had been forced to go for a walk. It was impossible to give a tragic sigh without Aunty Karen asking him if he had heartburn. The fire was so hot he had nearly had to take his greatcoat off and the final straw was realising that he now knew all the words to Shakin’ Stevens’ “Merry Christmas Everyone.”
Friday 6th December.
Action Dave sighed as he entered the pet filled living room. “Let’s go out,” he’d said. ” Let’s go to the farm and pick out a turkey.” he’d said.
When would he ever learn?
Friday 30th November.
“Have I been good?” you ask? Well , the answer would have to be yes. I’ve been good at shopping, very good at eating chocolate and outstandingly good at drinking cocktails. I’ve been very good all year.
Friday 22nd November.
The girls were hunting for Christmas presents and had struck gold. They were about to get a nasty shock, but not as nasty as the one Dad would get when Mum unwrapped her new set of saucepans and some bathroom scales.
Friday 15th November.
Sharing a flat with Inaction Man was always a trial, but apparently he had decided to prove that humans CAN hibernate.
Sindy was prepared to take drastic steps to remove him from the sofa. If a jug of cold water didn’t do it, she would turn on “Celebrity X Factor” and hide the remote.
Friday 8th November.
Miranda had made a solemn vow to remain calm and not to start preparing for Christmas too early this year. On her trip to the market she had been very good. She had bought some flowers to brighten up the house, and some vintage skates had caught her eye, and you can ice skate all year round at the rink. Then she’d bought some sort of fruit filled little pastry tarts to reward herself. It had been a good day.
Friday 1st November.
Sadly it was time to take the Halloween decorations down and Paul was teetering on the edge of the dark pit of despair. “Never mind,” soothed Action Goth. “It’s only 364 days until next Halloween. Why don’t we go for a nice walk around the cemetery and then come home and alphabetize your Tim Burton dvds? You’ll soon be right as rain.”
Friday 25th October.
As they left the house, Ken started to sneeze. “I think I’m getting a cold ,” he told Paul.
“Don’t panic,” screamed Paul. “I’m calling an ambulance right now. Don’t walk towards the light Ken, stay away from the light!”
Friday 18th October.
Jo stepped away from the camera. Either she’d had too much coffee, too little sleep, or it really was going to start raining men.
Friday 11th October.
Rover felt a flash of premonition as they passed their neighbour pushing a gigantic pumpkin. He could sense a Halloween competition beginning and he had only just recovered from the Christmas Lights Debacle. It would all end in tears and ceaseless bowls of pumpkin soup.
Friday 4th October.
Bake Off just wasn’t the same without Helena. Even Paul’s blackberry jam tarts failed to lift everyone’s spirits. They hadn’t felt this depressed since Noel dyed his hair yellow.
Friday 27th September.
Sindy had been super excited to get a job interview at the Ethical Sock Company, but when she was asked to sit she realised she could fail the first test.
Sure, the inflatable watermelon seemed like the obvious choice, but what about the office chair? What if it was a post modern, ironic office chair? Man, this was tough.
Friday 20th September.
“I’m putting on a white wash, has anybody got any?”
And they say goths don’t have a sense of humour.
Friday 13th September.
Hipster Ken was so glad he’d finally built his new library. Finally; a dignified, contemplative space in which a man could read great literature.
Friday 6th September.
Tiddles had been about to get down from the tree when the humans had appeared, spotted him, and began to panic.
He really wanted to go and find a fresh pile of ironing to sleep in, but they really were so amusing, and more importantly, not currently paying any attention to those annoying dogs. He would stay here for a while.
Friday 30th August.
“Why do you make such a fuss about back to school stuff?” Jeff had asked his wife. “It can’t be that hard. Leave it with me.”
Three weeks later and Jeff was in a world of regret. His daughter had come home from a sleepover with exclusion-worthy green hair that had so far resisted 17 attempts to wash it out. His son had grown a freakish 4 inches since buying his uniform a month ago and had lost the school issue cello. I mean, how do you lose a cello?
There was no way around it. Jeff was going to have to home school his children. His life was over.
Friday 23rd August.
Rachel has woken from a Big Night Out to discover that there is no dogfood in the house. If she cracks and feeds them treats and biscuits they will probably stop obsessively watching every move she makes. On the other hand she runs the risk of them turning into the canine equivalent of children who have been given a family pack of Haribo for breakfast.
Life is full of hard decisions.
Friday 16th August.
It was all kicking off in the Wild West house share. Someone keeps stealing Action Gal’s baked beans from the pantry and they had her name on and everything. There was gonna be one helluva showdown.
Friday 9th August.
“How can you live this life of fantastical whimsy?” wailed Margaret. “Don’t you know about climate change, br%x*t and the plastic in the ocean?”
Kitscherella studied Margaret sympathetically. “Would you like a fairy cake?” she asked gently.
“Yes please,” sobbed Margaret. “I think I’d better have a pink one.”
Friday 2nd August.
Ever since Tammy had got her new kitchen, she’d been obsessed with finding the perfect matching accessories. Now her neighbour had popped round for a coffee, and Sindy was concerned. From the way that Tammy was looking at their neighbour, Sindy could see a hostage situation developing.
Friday 19th July.
It was the last day of term, and by Sindy’s reckoning she had been summoned to 47 school events in the last fortnight. Now she came to think of it, how was that possible? Had Sindy inadvertently invented time travel?
Friday 12th July.
“You spoil that dog,” said Janice.
“I don’t know what you mean,” replied Miranda. “Now hold his balloon for him while I feed him his lunch.”
Friday 5th July.
It was always awkward when Tony’s first and second wives were in the same room, but for some indefinable reason this time it seemed so much worse. If only he could work out why…
Friday 28th June.
Lisa and her husband had never discussed what they would do if they ever actually won the lottery, so when they were interviewed by the local press she was dismayed to hear Barry vow that money wouldn’t change him, and he would carry on working at the Tupperware factory.
Lisa was on a plane before you could say “Bonus Ball.” She had been very fond of Barry, but given time she was sure she could warm to Ryan. Or Steve.
Friday 21st June.
Ken had really appreciated his girlfriend’s offer to help landscape his garden. Unfortunately he wasn’t too sure about the new trellis, he secretly thought Mandy’s outfit was not suitable for gardening, and why did he have a sudden urge to get some doves?
Friday 14th June.
For months, Action Dave had been droning on about making a solo round the world trip using only the stars and his innate sense of direction to navigate.
Jane watched him pack, trying hard not to look pointedly at the large pile of “Lucky pants” Dave seemed to be taking with him.
Friday 7th June.
“I can’t believe you’ve bought yet another gnome,” gasped Mark. “It’s just completely ridiculous. You’re an adult for Pete’s sake!”
At that moment, Mark’s phone beeped. The Fantasy Football App was alerting him to the imaginary injury being suffered by one of his imaginary players and now he was going to have to buy an imaginary substitute. He didn’t have time for this nonsense.
Friday 31st May.
“You know,” said Scarlet tentatively, “I was reading a magazine article today about a thing called Minimalism. You paint everything white and have just one or two carefully chosen possessions.”
“Well, that’s just crazy!” gasped Kitscherella. “You’ve had a nasty shock. I’ll make you a pink drink with an umbrella in it, you’ll feel better in no time.”
Friday 24th May.
It was Quality Father and Son Time for Allan Snr (retired Professor of Philosophical Trigonometry) and Allan Jnr ( owner of a barely successful Hipster pub in Shepton Mallet.) This “Wild West ” experience promised to take them back to nature and unleash their essential beings.
Currently Allan Snr’s essential being was wondering if he’d packed his Deep Heat ointment, while his son worried that this probably wasn’t the most sensible minibreak for someone with allergies to animal hair, suedette and baked beans.
Friday 17th May.
It was Amelie’s birthday, and Rachel was hosting her party at home. So far a child called Charisma had told Rachel her house was too small, her husband had received an “urgent” call to go into the office and the magician had locked himself in his car and was weeping copiously.
It was time to play hide and seek and Rachel volunteered to be seeker. She was going to count to 5000, or until the parents turned up. Whichever came first.
Friday 10th May.
“Here we have the sitting room, with it’s wonderful full length window.
You can contemplate the garden without once having to step outside. Feel free to watch the rain sadly trickle down the window panes, or observe the decaying leaves from the comfort of a gloomy corner.”
Jobs Goths Shouldn’t Do, Part One; Estate Agent.
Friday 3rd May.
Paul had accidentally gone camping because he liked an outdoorsy girl. Now he was listening to her friends sing folk songs around a campfire, had mud on his stonewash and no way of checking his hair.
No woman was worth this, man.
Friday 26th April.
Julia loves Fridays. She likes to go to a pub in the evening wearing a pink frock, put some Kylie on the jukebox and sit at the bar drinking a sparkly pink drink. Then she likes to thrash all the guys at pool.
Friday 19th April.
“You can tell Jon Snow that I’m not coming to look at any stupid wall. It’s Friday night, the children are asleep, I have a very nice glass of wine and I’ve already taken off my bra. I’m not going anywhere.”
Friday 12th April.
“Don’t look now, but the cute barman can’t take his eyes off you.” whispered Rachel.
It was true, Ken was transfixed. He had spent far too many hours staring at Magic Eye pictures in the early 90s and now Mandy’s dress had him hypnotised. Was that a castle?No, it was a fish…? Darn it, he was so close to working it out!
Friday 5th April.
Last Friday Inaction man had thoroughly sampled the new craft ales at The Broken Doll, gone home, and made an accidental purchase from a well known online auction site. It was probably going to be tricky to cancel it though, so he invited some friends around instead.
“This is very nice, but do you think this boat party might be better if we were actually at sea?” pondered Sindy.
Friday 29th March.
“How many cats were too many cats?” mused Karen. She’d started with one and suddenly they were everywhere.
Bernard would only eat lightly grilled organic quail. Misty was sick in the hall every time she wore green, and she couldn’t have visitors anymore because Fluffles climbed up the chimney and yowled every time someone set foot inside the door. Still, it’s not like they ran her life or anything…
Friday 22nd March.
Sindy loved her allotment. She loved the greenhouse, she loved listening to her mix tapes while drinking tea from her new flask and she loved reading aspirational gardening magazines. Probably, at some point, she should grow some stuff so her family didn’t start to question the amount of time she spent there. Or she could just pick up some veg from the corner shop…
The class had gone out to play and Sindy gazed sadly at the apple on her desk. She had spent the last hour trying to explain fronted adverbials to thirty seven year old children, and frankly an apple was not what she needed right now.
Friday 4th January.
The carriage had been waiting for 15 minutes but Sir Geoffrey just could not make up his mind which helmet to wear. Lady Gwendolynn was not sure this marriage was going to stick. Yesterday Sir Geoffrey had refused to leave the castle because his gauntlets were “so last season.”
New Year’s Eve.
I know, it’s not a Friday, but I just wanted to say Happy New Year to all the friends and followers of Jollydollyshop. Thank you for your
support in 2018, may your 2019 be fabulous!
Friday 21st December.
“My eyes!” shrieked Action Goth as she stumbled into the room. It had been a heavy night at “The Vampire’s Arms” and now she remembered her mother warning her that if she wasn’t up in time her sisters could decorate the tree without her.
Friday 14th December.
Fleur and the Dutch branch of the family have decided at the last minute to spend Christmas with Sindy.
Sindy gives them a warm welcome, while frantically making a mental list of all the spare chairs in the house and wondering whether she can fake a debilitating but sudden illness.
Friday 7th December.
In a rash moment Sindy had agreed to let the children decorate the tree by themselves. She gripped the arms of the chair in an attempt to rein in her inner control freak.
Obviously when the children went to bed she would crack and redecorate it. Oh come on, we’ve all been there.
Friday 30th November.
So, Christmas was coming.
Action Goth was ready for it.
Friday 23rd November.
Here are the lads, on their way home from “band practice” (which apparently is thirsty work.) The triangle is not an instrument usually associated with pop music but Allan has all the musicality of a bag of marshmallows and this way his mates can let him be in the band with the necessary damage limitation.
Friday 16th November.
Tony had made a vague “I’m listening darling” noise when Sylvia explained that she was off to her new Book Club. She felt there was no real need to tell him where the book club was being held.
Friday 9th November.
To absolutely no one’s delight, Hipster Ken has now decided to teach himself to play the bagpipes. His housemates have encouraged him to practice in the shed.
Mandy would like to lock him in there, but Julie protests that it would be against his Human Rights.
“He’s got a flask, a pasty and a sleeping bag” snaps Mandy. “I’ve been listening to his inept racket all afternoon, what about MY Human Rights?”
Friday 2nd November.
It’s the end of another week, and as the children troop through the house spilling school detritus as they go, Sindy discovers this week’s Nit Letter. With a sigh, she ponders whether it would be more economical and efficient for the school to send home a letter on the odd occasion when nobody in the class had nits.
Friday 26th October.
Down at The Broken Doll, landlord Allan felt his Fancy Dress Night was going really well. Even Paul had made an effort. Sort of.
Friday 19th October.
It was time for the Allotment holders’ annual Pumpkin competition. The entries varied considerably but everyone felt that mini Paul might possibly be trying to compensate for something.
Friday 12th October.
Modern witches love social media.
Making and baking with my precious little goblins. Loving the new Grimm’s recipe book, but don’t lick the bowl Maud!
#socursed #potions #justlikemotherusedtomake
Friday 5th October.
The girls had been standing in front of the wall ever since Sindy had entered the room, clutching their pencils and attempting to look nonchalant.
Sindy made herself comfortable. She had a book, a cup of tea and an iced bun. She could wait.
Friday 28th September.
The Sindy witches have gone shopping at Hexco and are enjoying being indignant in the Seasonal Aisle.
“Honestly Maud, Halloween gets earlier every year and look at all these dresses and decorations. In our day you were happy with a dusty coal sack and a bag of newt eyes.”
Friday 21st September.
As Sindy put the rubbish out she realised that she could no longer stand the sight of so many empty wine bottles. Things were going to change.
First thing in the morning she would ring the council and order one of those black recycling boxes with a sturdy lid.
Friday 14th September
” So I’m Tree, and this is my first time trying online dating. I’m looking for someone who shares my interests. I live a very simple, spiritual life. I’m just not into material possessions, structure or rules. I only eat foraged plants, I drink only fresh stream water that has crossed a minimum of two ley lines, I do yoga for two hours surrounded by my crystal collection every evening in my yurt that was handcrafted by Mongolian artisans.
Actually I just heard myself. I’m looking for someone with a good sense of humour and a strong sense of irony.”
Friday 7th September
The kids had gone back to school, Paul was at an office “Team Building” nightmare and Sindy had a ton of work to catch up on.
First of all though, she was going to spend some quality time admiring her empty laundry basket.
Friday 17th August
At last, Sindy had located her phone, but now she surveyed the contents of her handbag with dismay.
Still, she thought, it’s like Mary Poppins’ bag really, but with half eaten biscuits and broken Barbies instead of pot plants
and lamps, which is more useful when you think about it.
Friday 10th August
Allan and Sindy were their oldest friends, so when they had suggested yet another walking holiday “somewhere hilly and bracing”, Tony and Sylvia had given it several careful minutes thought before booking them all a weekend in Vegas.
It would be an awkward evening.
Friday 3rd August
Sindy was finding the school holidays a breeze now that she had her “Secret Hideaway Mini Fridge.” (patent pending)
Sliding back the painting revealed a cornucopia of cheering delights to lift the spirits of the most hard pressed mum.
Friday 27th July
Action Dave had been really looking forward to the Crazy Bumper Lads Holiday But if Hipster Ken didn’t stop murdering “Copacabana” he was going to take that guitar and ….
“Put it on a really high shelf?” supplied Allan, helpfully.
Have a great weekend folks!
Friday 20th July
The summer of 2018 was proving a difficult period for the Jollydollyshop Goths. They had been locked in a darkened room for weeks to avoid getting ” a healthy tan” (shudder) but salvation had arrived in the form of some black market Factor 1000 Sunscreen. Would our gloomy heroes be able to continue their rightful business lurking in the local record shops and graveyards? Only time would tell.
Friday 13th July 2018
Action Dave had once been swept up in the current of a passing Hen Party. They’d ended up in an 80s themed Karaoke bar in Bristol where he’d been forced to sing “Saving all my love for you” whilst wearing a tinsel wig. As Steve tried to coax him from behind the wall, Action Dave wailed,” You weren’t there man, you don’t know!”
Friday 6th July 2018
It’s holiday time, and the whole family is getting the caravan ready. Paul is checking there is enough beer and wondering where Sindy has put his sunglasses. The children are busily unpacking their suitcases and redistributing the contents around the house and garden and Paul’s mother is passive-aggressively stockpiling cleaning products. And what is Sindy doing? Sindy is wondering whether to start a small kitchen fire so they can stay in an all-inclusive hotel with separate rooms.
Have a great weekend folks!
Friday 29th June 2018
Allan has recently been dumped (FYI Gavin, it is NOT pedantic to use different coasters for hot and cold drinks.) Sindy has invited him to something called “Poldark Night” to cheer him up, but he doesn’t see how a programme about 18th century agricultural techniques and pilchard fishing will help.
Friday 22nd June 2018
Down at “The Broken Doll”, Landlord Allan was sensing that he had made a fundamental error when deciding to hold Blind Date Night.
Friday 15th June 2018
Inaction Man had sworn that he would get the flat clean and organise dinner whilst New Age Sindy was teaching her Crystal Healing Workshop at the Community Centre.
He really didn’t see what all the fuss was about; it had only taken two phone calls.
Friday 8th June 2018
“Of course, my Pearl has always slept through the night and eats anything you give her. Mind you, we only eat
homegrown organic seaweed, which is probably why she could swim at 3 months..”
There’s one in every playgroup.
Friday 1st June 2018
Rachel loved her new dress. If she kept very still in her bathroom she could remain undetected by her children for up to an hour.
Friday Fun Photo 25th May 2018
In the cold light of a new day, Sindy hazily remembered agreeing to join the PTA at the pub last night. From now on, her life would consist of “What’sup?” messages about organic cupcakes and listening to Fantastica’s mother complain that no one had booked Idris Elba to DJ at the Year 6 Leavers’ Party.
Tony and Sylvia Brown run a very successful Waste Management company. People often think “waste management “ is a euphemism. This upsets Tony, as he sees himself as a pillar of the community.
Sylvia secretly likes it. She never fails to get a last minute hair appointment and they always have the best table in restaurants.
Friday Fun Photo 11th May 2018
Sindy and Marie are taking their babies to the park. Betty is Marie’s first baby and she has packed 3 nappies, 4 sets of clothes, a changing bag and mat, teethers, teddy, board books, a portable bottle warmer, organic homemade babyfood and a cashmere cardigan.
Lily is Sindy’s second child. Sindy has brought a nappy, wipes and one of those lovely small bottles of wine the supermarket sells nowadays.