Friday 15th October.
Charlotte and Jade are having pre -drinks that consist of an undetectable amount of everything that is in Charlotte’s parents’ drinks cabinet mixed together. Later they plan on trying to get served at The Broken Doll, but it’s good to be prepared.
Having decided what to wear, they are now discussing whether Jade should go out with Steve Thompson from the 6th form. He doesn’t like Tim Burton films (WHAT?!) but on the other hand he does look a bit like a young Robert Smith in a dim light. Tough decision.
Friday 8th October.
“Now tonight on the Quality Vessels and Curses Channel, we’ve got something really exciting to show you. We’ve all been there, you slave over the cauldron all night to create the perfect poisoned apples, and then when you need them they’re rotten. But tonight we’re going to show you these fantastic new containers from Spellware. Now, Lucretia, personally I really like the skull motif handle; but am I right in thinking that these also come with a spider option?”
Friday 1st October.
“Paul,” shouted his mother from the kitchen, “Have you taken my rain bonnet again?”
Well, how else was Party Time Paul supposed to pop out to “Tony’s Tunes” for the latest limited edition picture disc in this rain? The Hair didn’t look after itself you know!
Friday 24th September.
Paul watched fondly as Sindy finally hung up the wreath she’d been working on all day.
“That’s gourdgus Sindy, I must take a leaf out of your book and be more creative.”
“Oh Paul.” Sindy blushed, “you autumn know better than to make puns like that!”
These two were clearly made for each other. It was mystery why they didn’t get invited to more dinner parties.
Friday 17th September.
Today Lucretia’s colleague Brian had suggested they do something called “Dress Down Friday.” This was a new concept to Lucretia, and it became more unpalatable the more he tried to explain it to her.
“So I wear a cotton t-shirt and some denim trousers?” she pondered. ” But won’t it be difficult to strike terror into the hearts of mortals, or mesmerise the simple townspeople into subservient silence without suitable clothing?”
“We’re tax inspectors,” countered Brian. “I think the outfit is neither here nor there.”
Friday 12th September.
Back at St Nerdette’s College for the Annoyingly Gifted, Janice had just returned from having her second Covid vaccination. If the conspiracy theorists were correct, the government would now be able to follow her every movement and decision, which could only be a good thing. It would probably be helpful for them to study an intelligent life form.
Friday 3rd September.
Every year Camilla invited all her old school friends over to Jilly Cooper Towers for a weekend of Cristal and catching up. This year, something, or rather someone, was noticeably different.
“You’re looking….well, Felicity,” ventured Camilla, eventually.
“Oh thank you,” beamed Felicity. ” Everyone says that, and, you know, I only wash with soap and use a little cold cream.”
Everyone tried hard not to think about Felicity’s husband, renowned cosmetic surgeon Dr Kenneth D’Orange.
“Anyone for cake?” enquired Camilla in a bright voice.
Friday 27th August.
Sindy had a vague memory of a bad day at work, followed by a restorative liquid something or other and a little look at an online gardening emporium, but now there had been an unexpected delivery to her flat. It would seem that she needed a bigger window box.
Friday 20th August.
Action Goth entered the kitchen and fixed Edgar Allan with an icy stare.
Edgar Allan began to panic. Had he put the Nick Cave LP in the Joy Division record sleeve again? Did he forget to feed the rats?
Glancing at his mug, he realised his horrible error. In his hand was not his Midnight Black mug, but Action Goth’s Obsidian Black mug! What a stupid mistake to make! “I made you a cup of tea” he said quickly. Sometimes you’ve just got to think fast.
Friday 13th August.
Everyone loved coming to Sandy’s house for the Ex-Pat Mermaid Meetings, but they all wished Ariel would stop whinging about her feet. Of course every step hurts like knives woman, once and for all, buy some flat shoes!
Friday 6th August.
Rachel has been working really hard, carefully choosing and colour coordinating every aspect of her ice cream parlour, and it’s everything she ever dreamt of. She was finally ready to open the doors for the first day of business.
But wait! What if a customer came in wearing something orange? What if someone ordered bright blue Bubblegum flavour ice cream? What if someone had an unattractive high vis bobble hat?
Would it be sensible to have a dress code? Rachel needed to give this some serious thought.
Friday 30th July.
Everyone thought that Paulette was so lucky to be her famous sister’s PA, they had no idea how hard she worked. While Gayle was on set, SOMEBODY had to wait in for deliveries, check the pool guy did his job properly, and check the quality of the champagne order. Nobody understood the stress she was under.
Friday 23rd July.
The most famous fable in the Dolliverse is that of the Star Crossed Lovers. They were tragically born in different galaxies, but had they ever met, it would have been one of the greatest love stories of all time.*
* Or until Astronaut Girl got fed up of repeatedly asking Inaction Man to take the bins out.
Friday 16th July.
Kitscherella has been to the shops, but she’s only bought the essentials. Honestly, how did people manage without a decent macaronerie, or a specialist kitten cushion shop?
Friday 9th July.
It was Friday afternoon, and Double Hockey lesson started ten minutes ago, so naturally the goths were lying on their backs in the cemetery and cloud watching.
They had taken new girl Pastel Goth along with them, although they suspected that she didn’t take Gothing seriously enough.
Action Goth had spotted a cloud that looked like a witch’s cat. Destiny thought she’d seen one like a slow travelling hearse.
“You see that big one straight above us?”joined in Pastel Goth. “That one looks like a seething cauldron of tormented souls, drowning in a sea of despair and regret.”
Action Goth and Destiny stared at Pastel Goth. She’d do.
Friday 14th May.
Inaction Man had been through major surgery by top surgeon Dr Toypolloi, and was now recovering on the Apathy Ward at St Cynthia’s Hospital. There was a strong chance that his convalescence would be a long one. These nurses didn’t roll their eyes at him and the ice cream was delicious.
Friday 7th May.
Spirulina is feeling really good about opening her new shop on Fascination Street. The new shop assistant is clearly taking marketing very seriously, and after the shockers that came for the job interview that’s quite a relief. One girl was wearing a t-shirt that bore the legend “Smile; it might never happen.” Spirulina’s customers would have eaten her alive. (Some of them quite literally.)
Sindy had been through many lockdown craft crazes, jewellery making, basket weaving, embroidery, a home brewing phase, but finally she’d found her forte. The quilt was now filling every room, and she wasn’t quite sure what day it was. These were the last few patches, then Sindy was going to have togo cold turkey. Or cut up the bedroom curtains. Sleep was for losers, right?
Friday 30th April.
When Jo agreed to go on safari with Cassandra, she was pretty sure she had made it plain that they would be roughing it, and could only take the bare essentials.
“But I have only packed the essentials!” protested Cassandra. “Do you see a chaise longue or the cocktail cabinet? I haven’t even brought the foot spa!”
Friday 23rd April.
Jadis was visiting her granny and had discovered that she had some troubling attitudes to use by dates, seeing them as more of a suggestion than a rule. This explained the local MP who came canvassing and was now a frog, but only from the waist down. Granny had taken the cat to the vets, so Jadis was conducting a thorough spring clean of the kitchen. Honestly, some of these potions were from the dark ages!
Friday 16th April.
Felicity loved going to visit Vivienne, but her Pimms was always woefully weak. Luckily Felicity had been a most attentive Girl Guide, and “Be Prepared” was still her life’s motto.
Friday 9th April.
Paul was beginning to calm down now, but he had nearly made the mistake every mobile DJ dreads. He had thought he had everything under control for tomorrow’s wedding gig. He had glitter balls, his decks were in the van, and he was treating The Hair to a fancy new deep conditioner.
Suddenly Paul remembered that he hadn’t packed the most important Wedding Disco record of all. If you didn’t dance to the 12″ of “Come on Eileen” was the wedding even legal? He had nearly ended up like his predecessor, Rad Rod, who had failed to play “Careless Whisper” at the end of a schhol disco. The local DJ Guild had stripped him of his mirror shades and he could no longer get his frosted tips done in town. Paul’s legs were feeling a little shaky. That was a close call.
Lisa has been on a fancy first date. Gavin pulled out all the stops, He picked her up in his yellow Capri, took her to the swanky new wine bar on the high street ( Mateus Rose for the lady?), and they ended up having that Nouvelle Cuisine everyone’s talking about. After Gavin had taken Lisa home, she waited ten minutes and then nipped out to Maccy D’s. A girl cannot live on a triangle of carrot batons alone.
Friday 26th March.
As the sun sets over the Miserable Mansion, the Goths arise for breakfast. They have burnt pastries and black coffee, despite years of parental nagging about vitamins. They didn’t get these pasty complexions by eating fruit and vegetables you know.
Friday 19th March.
Action Goth had been really looking forward to taking Frank to dog training classes. Everyone seemed oddly nervous around him, but as Action Goth explained, “He’s just a big softy really, and he only wants to play.”
Friday 12th March.
Sindy had always thought she was probably a bit psychic, and right now her sixth sense was tingling. Without even looking at Kate, she was 100% certain that her friend had just seen the new lifeguard. It was uncanny.
Friday 5th March.
Everybody loved having Snow White in the office. Sometimes people would unplug her computer when she went to the loo, just so she would call for IT support.
Friday 26th February.
Sadie’s new t shirt had arrived, and she was so relieved. Last Tuesday she had been so humiliated, she was the only person in the office who’d forgotten it was “Bring Your Otter To Work Day.”
Well, according to the calendar “National Flamenco Kitten Day” was coming up, and now Sadie was ahead of the game. There was no way she would be caught out twice!
Friday 19th February.
It was a week since Valentine’s Day, and Action Goth was sighing tragically in her room. She had received no cards, no poems, not a single decaying rose adorned her dressing table.
She was thoroughly miserable. Nobody understood her, she was a lone wolf on a mountain called Despair. Things were absolutely perfect. This weekend Action Goth would write the best songs she had ever written.
Friday 12th February.
Rachel had a keen interest in interior design, and she liked to keep a well structured and aesthetically pleasing live/work space.*
Her boyfriend wasn’t actually scared of her, but he did secretly keep a photograph of the cushion arrangements on his phone, to avoid misplacing them and causing an atmosphere.
Saturday 6th February.
I know! It’s Saturday. There was no proper Friday Fun story because all week I have been working on my collaboration with the Sindy Collectors Club, who kindly sent me one of the new Sindy dolls. Here is the resulting story, a Valentine’s Day Special. Hope you enjoy it!
1) Sindy had booked a surprise romantic mini break for the Valentine’s Day weekend. Paul’s face had become very pale as he had driven his new sportscar down the bumpy track, and as he nervously checked his undercarriage, Sindy went on into the delightful country cottage with the bags.
2) As Sindy entered the kitchen, she couldn’t help noticing the chicken in the room. Perhaps it was a charming country tradition? Oh. That wasn’t an egg it had laid in the sink. The chicken would probably like to start a new tradition of living outside.
3) She had to hand it to herself, the cottage was perfect for Valentine’s Day. It had a roaring log fire, country walks and ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNAL! There would be no contact from Paul’s boss, the office, and most importantly Paul’s mum (checking that he was wearing a vest and that Sindy had packed his suitcase properly.) As soon as Paul could tear himself away from the car, the romantic mini break was on!
Friday 5th February.
“High five! We made it to Friday, and it’s going to be a great weekend.”
Tune in on Instagram or Facebook tomorrow for Sindy nonsense and exciting news!
Friday 29th January.
Theresa felt quite emotional as she replaced the receiver. “We hear that you’ve been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault” the recorded voice had intoned.
Well, yes, Theresa had been involved in an accident that wasn’t her fault. That lamppost definitely wasn’t there when she started reversing the car last week. And if the gateway hadn’t been so narrow she would certainly not have knocked off the wing mirror on Wednesday.
The voice on the phone had spoken to Theresa’s very soul. Finally, she felt seen!
Friday 22nd January.
It was Rachel’s turn to host games night, and the devil was in the detail. All the piles of tat were stuffed into cupboards, and she had primed her other friends to keep an eye on Mark, who even cheats at Solitaire. There was plenty of booze so that nobody would notice her lamentable cooking.
All she had to do now was stop Jackie from suggesting strip poker after her fourth dubonnet and lemonade, and hang on to her undisputed crown as the Queen of Snakes and Ladders. The job was a good’un.
Friday 15th January.
“Did you see Penelope Ponsonby-Tweed this afternoon? No hat, no gloves, the brazen hussy. What next, people going to the greengrocer’s in their night attire? Being photographed in their bathing suits? The world is going to hell in a hand basket!”
“Calm yourself Helena” soothed Margot. “Nobody will ever go shopping in their pyjamas. Wh,ere would they put their monogrammed handkerchief? Let’s have a nice cup of tea.”
Friday 8th January.
The Action family are all out seeing to the rescue pets but Action Dave is finding it harder than usual to get involved. It had taken ten days to finish the Christmas Nut Loaf, and Dave had lost two fillings. It was all very well Terence being a free range, organically fed turkey, but when would it be Dave’s turn to live his best life?
New Year’s Eve.
Celebrations have started early down at The Broken Doll. If you like a sticky floor and a pint of Old Badger, this is the pub for you on New Year’s Eve. And if you don’t like these things, you’d be advised to leave quickly and quietly.
Happy New Year everybody!
Inaction man had somehow volunteered to take care of his nieces this Boxing Day. He had a range of inactivities planned that would allow him to snatch forty winks. These included letting them bury him in wrapping paper, Sleeping Lions, and Hide and Seek (“I’ll count to one hundred.”) Thinking about it, it might actually just be easier to take them for a walk.
Friday 18th December.
“He drank all the wine, he ate my pudding and when I asked if he could remember my name he said Brian. No the date did not go well.”
Sindy and Gayle exchanged a nervous glance. The evening had suddenly taken a decidedly dangerous turn. One of them needed to discretely hide the gin if they didn’t want to end up in Finland. Again.
Friday 11th December.
Paul had been in and out of that supermarket like a pro. He’d bought everything on the list and got home again at top speed. Actually, now he thought about it, hadn’t Sindy been with him? He had a vague feeling that she’d gone to take the trolley back, and oh darn it, he’d left her in the car park again.
Well. Now seemed like a good time to to put some more cushions on the sofa and look for the sleeping bag. A taxi was drawing up outside.
Friday 4th December.
Tony had initially been reluctant to give Action Goth a job at his company, but she had turned out to be quite the asset. While she enjoyed a drink as much as the next woman, it must be said that she had a strangely sobering effect on her colleagues. Tony hadn’t had to buy a new photocopier after the Christmas office party for three years.
Friday 27th November.
Marie and Mark had been having a long and lively discussion about putting up the Christmas decorations in the house. Marie felt they needed some sparkle in their lives right now but eventually agreed with Mark that it was much too soon. The tinsel would get everywhere, the lights would get on Mark’s nerves and the tree would be bald before Christmas.
Nobody said anything about decorating the caravan though!
Friday 20th November.
Well, family holiday time was here again, and wouldn’t you know it, Sindy had only gone and twisted her ankle whilst unloading the car.
It had taken a mere 25 minutes to get the children into their snow gear ( NO gloves, NO gloves; gloves scratchy) and Paul had taken them out. Sindy was disappointed to miss the fun, (especially as round about now the toddler would be wailing that her hands were cold and complete strangers would be giving Paul the evil eye for not putting gloves on her) but she had a mug of hot chocolate and a good book. She would make the best of things.
Friday 13th November.
For weeks, all Candy’s flatmate had done was moan about her boyfriend, Ken. His clothes were too flashy, his car was too fast, and all he wanted to do was go to fancy restaurants and nightclubs.
Tonight, Candy was going to caringly help out her flatmate by going to one of these expensive restaurants with Ken. Sometimes she was just too darned selfless. It was a character flaw, but she would learn to live with it.
Friday 6th November.
“Darling!” cried Paul, “Did you have a lovely time shoe shopping with the children? I’ve made some delicious jam tarts for everyone, it’s harder than it looks on Bake Off you know. Well, I’m a bit tired now so I might just go and watch the football. Help yourselves!”
Friday 30th October.
Vanessa was not sure if she wanted to continue seeing Mark. On one hand, he spent an awful lot of time talking about Top Gear, and his mother did his ironing for him. But on the other hand he accessorised her autumn wardrobe perfectly and he had a really nice dog. What was a girl to do?
Friday 23rd October.
Those Glee kids thought they were so uncool, but everyone knew that Janice was the Queen Geek at St Nerdette’s College for the Annoyingly Gifted.
She could speak eleven languages, ( four of them from non fictional countries) she had the largest collection of library book stamps anyone had ever seen, and nobody lit a bunsen burner without her say so.
Le geek, c’est chic.
Friday 16th October.
It was no joke being a teen witch. Tracy had just endured a lengthy monologue from her nan ( You don’t know you’re born! In my day there was none of this crystal ball business. You had a basin of murky water to look in, and you were lucky to have it. And you couldn’t just order poisonous herbs on that computer thingy. You had to trudge uphill to the cemetery at midnight to get them, in a hail of frogs as like as not!”)
Revising for her NEWTS was a joy by comparison.
Friday 9th October.
“Well, that was a good night!” cackled Michelle. “Shame about the bouncer, but he makes a good frog and he shouldn’t have insisted on the dress code. What did you say to that delicious guy when he asked you about your job?”
“I told him I was an organic chemist,” said Helena. “It’s close enough and nobody ever wants to know more.”
Friday 2nd October.
Due to an administrative error, Karen had been editor at Vague Magazine for six months now. She had no idea what she was doing, but she found that as long as she marched around the office wearing something fashion forward, scowling at anyone wearing a cardigan, everyone was much too intimidated to risk giving less than 100%.
Friday 25th September.
There are still a few weeks until Halloween, but every goth worth their salt looks forward to picking out their pumpkin.
“I still think it’s too early,” said Emerald. “It’ll be all mouldy and rotten by Halloween.”
“And your point is?” replied Lilith.
Friday 18th September.
Margaret and Merlin were careful to pay the babysitter really well and always leave out the best biscuits for her. It wasn’t easy finding childcare when the baby liked to make the cat levitate and the coven might not end until dawn.
Friday 11th September.
Sadie led a rich Inner Life, dense with romance and glamour. This was just as well, because her Outer Life was currently filled with a leaking washing machine, a cat with record breaking halitosis, and later, a date with a man who had presumably cropped the dinosaurs out of his photograph before posting it online.
Friday 5th September.
This summer Sindy had once again failed to achieve the fabled “Beach Body” but looking on the bright side she was now already well on the way to getting the perfect Autumn/Winter Hibernation shape. “Better eat two slices of cake,” she thought. I can’t let things slide at this point.”
Friday 28th August.
“Little Blithering, 90210. No Johnny, I can’t come out for a drive. I’m code breaking until 4, then I have to bake a cake without eggs, butter or sugar before collecting Aunt Jane from the station. Oh I’m sure she’ll have plenty to occupy her. I expect there will be a nice murder at the vicarage later. Cheerio darling.
Friday 21st August.
“I’m so hungry, but in a city this big it’s so difficult to decide what to eat!” cried Hipster Ken.
“I know,” lamented Mark. “If only someone would send us a sign.”
Have a great weekend folks!
Friday 14th August.
Cassandra entered her writing room breathlessly, partly because the creative spirit was bursting into flame within her soul, but mainly because the windows were closed and it was 30 degrees in there. Here she had written many well loved poems, such as “The Power of Kale” and “But That Was My Cheese. ” Cassandra always said she could only write here, surrounded by the peace and calm provided her beloved plants, surrounded by her crumbling house and it’s wild garden.
Unbeknownst to Cassandra, her husband Terry had replaced all the foliage with plastic plants two years ago. You can get some very realistic imitations now, and he was sick of watering them and being sent out for special plant food. Terry would like to live in a modern flat with Sky Sports and underfloor heating. He had to enjoy the small victories where he could.
Friday 7th August.
Everyone in town agreed that June’s gang were a wild bunch, always hanging around the park and listening to loud music. It was true that they often lived life on the edge. Paul had no fewer than four overdue library books in his bedroom. Jim and Sindy often used the supermarket car park with no intention of buying groceries, and only this morning June had put a cotton t shirt in with the daily wash programme, knowing FULL WELL that the label read ” Hand Wash Only.”
There was no doubt, they were born to be wild.
Friday 24th July.
Gayle was feeling discombobulated. The children were playing nicely, the washing basket was empty, and nobody had asked what they were going to eat next for at least 20 minutes. She wondered if she could make a break for it and have an unaccompanied trip to the loo, but she’d been fooled that way before. Gayle was looking forward to returning to her job at NASA. She could do with the rest.
Friday 31st July.
Action Goth has passed her driving test, mainly by intimidating her examiner with unnerving heavy silence coupled with brief but frequent terrifying side glances. Edgar Allan is looking forward to their first journey, he has made a road trip mix tape with all their favourite driving songs on it. All together now; “And if a double decker bus, crashes into us…”
Friday 17th July.
Margot required complete silence and solitude when the muse was upon her. Her family knew not to disturb her. She would reappear when her painting was complete, or when she had eaten all the macaroons ; whichever came first.
Friday 10th July.
As a top DJ with a magnificent mullet, Party Time Paul gave lots of poolside parties at his Ibiza hideaway. Naturally he partied responsibly; he always deep conditioned his mane before bedtime.
Friday 3rd July.
Andrea was relieved that the lockdown was going to ease up, with a return to some sort of normality. She was very fond of her flatmates but felt that they were losing their grip. She’d heard of Pudding Wine, but she really didn’t think that Breakfast Wine was a real thing.
Friday 26th June.
Crystal’s inner calm had initially been tested when her brother came to stay, but it had turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Her massages, reiki healing and chakra alignment services had never been more in demand. Even the most hardened cynics had been lured in by the sight of Inaction Man perpetually slumbering by the caravan, apparently massaged into a state close to Nirvana.
Friday 19th June.
While the Von Sindy family were very grateful to their new Nanny for making them some new clothes, they couldn’t help wondering; A) how they would get to sleep that night and B) now they came to think about it, why had Father bought so many identical curtains anyway?
Friday 12th June.
Janet had always felt that she had a novel inside her, and the lockdown seemed to be the perfect opportunity to get it down on paper. Unfortunately, after three weeks hunkered down in the caravan, the only thing she had created was a major fire hazard, and what was inside her was mainly cake.
Friday 5th June.
Candy’s friends constantly teased her about her appalling lack of tennis skills. After a long and arduous search, she had found herself a tennis coach who seemed suitable, but strangely, even after several weeks, Candy had not improved. She thought she was probably going to need an awful lot of lessons.
Friday 30th May.
As Rachel practiced her routine in the barn, she thought about all the people who asked her what it was that she loved about the trapeze. “Was it the exercise, or the adrenaline rush after a week in the office?” They wanted to know. “Or was it the outfits?”
Rachel had thought about this a lot. Really, it was all of these things,; but mainly, it was because she couldn’t see the ironing pile from up here, and nobody ever climbed up to ask her where their blue t shirt was.
Friday 23rd May.
Kitscherella was feeling the effects of the lockdown. She’d stopped making an effort and was slumming it in glitter shorts, a unicorn and rainbow top and a hairdo that had only taken an hour to achieve. From tomorrow she was determined to make more effort, or heavens to Betsey, she’d be in a tracksuit next!
Friday 15th May.
“So, Rosie; explain to me why we’re boiling water over an open fire when the caravan has solar panels and an electric kettle? puzzled Action Joe.”Oh Joe, you lovable yet startlingly naive man!” laughed Rosie. “How can I use #goodlife #tradstyle #wildwoodsmamma on posts of a plastic kettle? Now , where’s your penknife? Sit next to the fire and look like you’re whittling something.”
Friday 8th May.
Alison sadly examined the contents of the fridge. It seemed that tonight she would be making dinner from some tragic salad remains, a sausage roll that was approaching it’s centenary, and some face cream that cost so much money that she entered a fugue state when attempting to think about it. On top of this, the cat was eyeing her hungrily and licking it’s lips. Alison felt that she was not living her Best Life.
Friday 1st May.
Inaction Man had not been keen to have the gym installed in the cellar, but he was quickly coming around to the idea. There were soft towels, a thing to hang your clothes on, and a bed that also kept your takeaway warm! What could be better?!
Friday 24th April.
For the fifteenth time Patch, we’re not in a cult. We just grow our own food, make our own clothes, never leave the house and don’t talk to anyone outside of the family.
Friday 17th April.
Don’t forget to join in with Paul’s Immobile Disco on Instagram tonight, starting at 7pm. The dolls can’t go out, but they can dance in their living rooms! Please use #jollydollyshop and #paulsimmobiledisco
Friday 10th April.
Two weeks of home schooling the Banks children without access to rooftop dance routines had taken their toll on Mary Poppins. However, the school holidays had begun, and it was time to unpack her trusty carpet bag. It was going to take more than a spoonful of sugar, but things were looking up.
Friday 3rd April.
Action Goth lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling through the gloom. Over the last few days she had listened to old music, read Stephen King novels and practiced eyeliner application until her hands seized up. She had barely left her room or spoken to another soul.
Let’s face it.
We’re all goths now.
Friday 27th March.
Jackie is really missing Karaoke night at her favourite pub. The girls always have a few drinks and then she sings “Heart of Glass.” Then they all tell her she should go on the telly, and get a bit tearful before stopping at the chippy on the way home.
Tonight Jackie has decided to sing to her plants as she’s heard it can help them grow. It’s a shame really, they were doing so well and don’t have a Cinzano buffer to cushion them from the pain.
Friday 20th March.
Paul is working from home. Paul was working in the kitchen, but then Paul used a pair of Sindy’s sewing scissors to open a packet of bacon.
Paul now feels it would be best if he works in the shed. It is safe in the shed. Paul had not realised how many very, very sharp pairs of scissors Sindy owned.
Friday 13th March.
Sindy had been struggling with her cravings all night. The party was fabulous, all her friends were there and the Lambrusco was flowing freely. But one sniff of the party food and Sindy was heading for the roof terrace with an illicit plate of cheese ‘n’ pineapple.
It was time to admit the terrible truth. Sindy was a Social Snacker.
Friday 6th March.
Hipster Ken’s Caff had hosted it’s first “Bring your Emotional Support Pet Day” and Ken was delighted. “We’ll make this a regular event” he beamed and began clearing up.
“Mmm,” said Claire in a vague tone. “By the way, someone left their goat behind and it’s eaten all the paper for tomorrow’s Papier-mache and Pies session. Well, see you tomorrow.”
Friday 28th February.
The washing basket full of Sneezy’s dirty handkerchiefs had finally tipped Snow White over the edge. She had left the cottage and was taking her chances in a hotel in town.
An ancient wizened cleaning lady had brought her up a complimentary fruit basket, but Snow White had had enough of wholesome living. Tonight she was going to paint the town red.
Friday 21st February.
Decorating is often a source of household conflict. For weeks Inaction man had been staring at his paint chart, unable to choose between such disparate colours as Tofu, Styrofoam and mashed Potato. Worn out, he had fallen asleep, and Kitscherella had taken matters into her own hands. She had chosen pink, pink, sparkles and pink.
Friday 14th February.
Edgar Allan’s parents has assured him that they were going out, and he had planned the perfect Valentine’s Day date. His mate Craig had got him some wine, he had a video of “The Lost Boys” and had written a heartfelt poem to his love.
However, his parents seemed determined to ruin his evening. First his mother had “popped in” to show off her new Step Aerobics outfit. Now his dad was here, wittering on about the jazz club he was going to, and OMG was he SCATTING now? Edgar Allen’s life was officially over.
Friday 7th February.
In these times when we are all worried about climate change, why has nobody found a way to harness the energy of small girls at a sleepover? The morning after one of these events they are still insanely perky after just half an hour of sleep, while the host parents most strongly resemble disintegrating zombies on the fifth day of the apocalypse.
Friday 24th January.
Sindy’s brother had called in case she wasn’t aware that he was taking part in Dry January, and that he was feeling wonderful, and everyone should try it. Sindy was counting to one hundred, and trying not to point out that she had done Dry ’08-’09, Dry ’12-’13, and Dry 16-’17. Her work here was done.
Friday 17th January.
Mandy’s new bar had only been open for half an hour and she was already regretting the name. So far she’d had a complaint about the lack of soft white sand, two enquiries about the whereabouts of the nearest panama retailer and seventeen people had asked her if drinks were free.
Friday 10th January.
Mandy and Michelle had meant to stay in, have a wheatgrass juice and maybe do some yoga.
Then they remembered that they had new boots.
Friday 3rd January!
“Let’s buy musical instruments for the children!” Fleur’s husband had brightly suggested before Christmas. Now he had been urgently called back to the office just as the girls had really mastered the high notes. Fleur was sure this was just a coincidence.
Friday 27th December.
Sindy had on her most Christmassy outfit. Surely it was only a matter of time before someone mistook her for Mariah Carey and brought her some kittens and unicorns?
Merry Christmas to all the lovely friends and customers of Jollydollyshop. Have a fabulous time everyone!
Friday 20th December.
Cinderella regarded her Fairy Godmother wearily. “Are you sure I’m meant to go to a ball? Only I’ve already got my pyjamas on, and to be honest I had a big night out last night.
Friday 13th December.
The house was full of relatives and Edgar Allan had been forced to go for a walk. It was impossible to give a tragic sigh without Aunty Karen asking him if he had heartburn. The fire was so hot he had nearly had to take his greatcoat off and the final straw was realising that he now knew all the words to Shakin’ Stevens’ “Merry Christmas Everyone.”
Friday 6th December.
Action Dave sighed as he entered the pet filled living room. “Let’s go out,” he’d said. ” Let’s go to the farm and pick out a turkey.” he’d said.
When would he ever learn?
Friday 30th November.
“Have I been good?” you ask? Well , the answer would have to be yes. I’ve been good at shopping, very good at eating chocolate and outstandingly good at drinking cocktails. I’ve been very good all year.
Friday 22nd November.
The girls were hunting for Christmas presents and had struck gold. They were about to get a nasty shock, but not as nasty as the one Dad would get when Mum unwrapped her new set of saucepans and some bathroom scales.
Friday 15th November.
Sharing a flat with Inaction Man was always a trial, but apparently he had decided to prove that humans CAN hibernate.
Sindy was prepared to take drastic steps to remove him from the sofa. If a jug of cold water didn’t do it, she would turn on “Celebrity X Factor” and hide the remote.
Friday 8th November.
Miranda had made a solemn vow to remain calm and not to start preparing for Christmas too early this year. On her trip to the market she had been very good. She had bought some flowers to brighten up the house, and some vintage skates had caught her eye, and you can ice skate all year round at the rink. Then she’d bought some sort of fruit filled little pastry tarts to reward herself. It had been a good day.
Friday 1st November.
Sadly it was time to take the Halloween decorations down and Paul was teetering on the edge of the dark pit of despair. “Never mind,” soothed Action Goth. “It’s only 364 days until next Halloween. Why don’t we go for a nice walk around the cemetery and then come home and alphabetize your Tim Burton dvds? You’ll soon be right as rain.”
Friday 25th October.
As they left the house, Ken started to sneeze. “I think I’m getting a cold ,” he told Paul.
“Don’t panic,” screamed Paul. “I’m calling an ambulance right now. Don’t walk towards the light Ken, stay away from the light!”
Friday 18th October.
Jo stepped away from the camera. Either she’d had too much coffee, too little sleep, or it really was going to start raining men.
Friday 11th October.
Rover felt a flash of premonition as they passed their neighbour pushing a gigantic pumpkin. He could sense a Halloween competition beginning and he had only just recovered from the Christmas Lights Debacle. It would all end in tears and ceaseless bowls of pumpkin soup.
Friday 4th October.
Bake Off just wasn’t the same without Helena. Even Paul’s blackberry jam tarts failed to lift everyone’s spirits. They hadn’t felt this depressed since Noel dyed his hair yellow.
Friday 27th September.
Sindy had been super excited to get a job interview at the Ethical Sock Company, but when she was asked to sit she realised she could fail the first test.
Sure, the inflatable watermelon seemed like the obvious choice, but what about the office chair? What if it was a post modern, ironic office chair? Man, this was tough.
Friday 20th September.
“I’m putting on a white wash, has anybody got any?”
And they say goths don’t have a sense of humour.
Friday 13th September.
Hipster Ken was so glad he’d finally built his new library. Finally; a dignified, contemplative space in which a man could read great literature.
Friday 6th September.
Tiddles had been about to get down from the tree when the humans had appeared, spotted him, and began to panic.
He really wanted to go and find a fresh pile of ironing to sleep in, but they really were so amusing, and more importantly, not currently paying any attention to those annoying dogs. He would stay here for a while.
Friday 30th August.
“Why do you make such a fuss about back to school stuff?” Jeff had asked his wife. “It can’t be that hard. Leave it with me.”
Three weeks later and Jeff was in a world of regret. His daughter had come home from a sleepover with exclusion-worthy green hair that had so far resisted 17 attempts to wash it out. His son had grown a freakish 4 inches since buying his uniform a month ago and had lost the school issue cello. I mean, how do you lose a cello?
There was no way around it. Jeff was going to have to home school his children. His life was over.
Friday 23rd August.
Rachel has woken from a Big Night Out to discover that there is no dogfood in the house. If she cracks and feeds them treats and biscuits they will probably stop obsessively watching every move she makes. On the other hand she runs the risk of them turning into the canine equivalent of children who have been given a family pack of Haribo for breakfast.
Life is full of hard decisions.
Friday 16th August.
It was all kicking off in the Wild West house share. Someone keeps stealing Action Gal’s baked beans from the pantry and they had her name on and everything. There was gonna be one helluva showdown.
Friday 9th August.
“How can you live this life of fantastical whimsy?” wailed Margaret. “Don’t you know about climate change, br%x*t and the plastic in the ocean?”
Kitscherella studied Margaret sympathetically. “Would you like a fairy cake?” she asked gently.
“Yes please,” sobbed Margaret. “I think I’d better have a pink one.”
Friday 2nd August.
Ever since Tammy had got her new kitchen, she’d been obsessed with finding the perfect matching accessories. Now her neighbour had popped round for a coffee, and Sindy was concerned. From the way that Tammy was looking at their neighbour, Sindy could see a hostage situation developing.
Friday 19th July.
It was the last day of term, and by Sindy’s reckoning she had been summoned to 47 school events in the last fortnight. Now she came to think of it, how was that possible? Had Sindy inadvertently invented time travel?
Friday 12th July.
“You spoil that dog,” said Janice.
“I don’t know what you mean,” replied Miranda. “Now hold his balloon for him while I feed him his lunch.”
Friday 5th July.
It was always awkward when Tony’s first and second wives were in the same room, but for some indefinable reason this time it seemed so much worse. If only he could work out why…
Friday 28th June.
Lisa and her husband had never discussed what they would do if they ever actually won the lottery, so when they were interviewed by the local press she was dismayed to hear Barry vow that money wouldn’t change him, and he would carry on working at the Tupperware factory.
Lisa was on a plane before you could say “Bonus Ball.” She had been very fond of Barry, but given time she was sure she could warm to Ryan. Or Steve.
Friday 21st June.
Ken had really appreciated his girlfriend’s offer to help landscape his garden. Unfortunately he wasn’t too sure about the new trellis, he secretly thought Mandy’s outfit was not suitable for gardening, and why did he have a sudden urge to get some doves?
Friday 14th June.
For months, Action Dave had been droning on about making a solo round the world trip using only the stars and his innate sense of direction to navigate.
Jane watched him pack, trying hard not to look pointedly at the large pile of “Lucky pants” Dave seemed to be taking with him.
Friday 7th June.
“I can’t believe you’ve bought yet another gnome,” gasped Mark. “It’s just completely ridiculous. You’re an adult for Pete’s sake!”
At that moment, Mark’s phone beeped. The Fantasy Football App was alerting him to the imaginary injury being suffered by one of his imaginary players and now he was going to have to buy an imaginary substitute. He didn’t have time for this nonsense.
Friday 31st May.
“You know,” said Scarlet tentatively, “I was reading a magazine article today about a thing called Minimalism. You paint everything white and have just one or two carefully chosen possessions.”
“Well, that’s just crazy!” gasped Kitscherella. “You’ve had a nasty shock. I’ll make you a pink drink with an umbrella in it, you’ll feel better in no time.”
Friday 24th May.
It was Quality Father and Son Time for Allan Snr (retired Professor of Philosophical Trigonometry) and Allan Jnr ( owner of a barely successful Hipster pub in Shepton Mallet.) This “Wild West ” experience promised to take them back to nature and unleash their essential beings.
Currently Allan Snr’s essential being was wondering if he’d packed his Deep Heat ointment, while his son worried that this probably wasn’t the most sensible minibreak for someone with allergies to animal hair, suedette and baked beans.
Friday 17th May.
It was Amelie’s birthday, and Rachel was hosting her party at home. So far a child called Charisma had told Rachel her house was too small, her husband had received an “urgent” call to go into the office and the magician had locked himself in his car and was weeping copiously.
It was time to play hide and seek and Rachel volunteered to be seeker. She was going to count to 5000, or until the parents turned up. Whichever came first.
Friday 10th May.
“Here we have the sitting room, with it’s wonderful full length window.
You can contemplate the garden without once having to step outside. Feel free to watch the rain sadly trickle down the window panes, or observe the decaying leaves from the comfort of a gloomy corner.”
Jobs Goths Shouldn’t Do, Part One; Estate Agent.
Friday 3rd May.
Paul had accidentally gone camping because he liked an outdoorsy girl. Now he was listening to her friends sing folk songs around a campfire, had mud on his stonewash and no way of checking his hair.
No woman was worth this, man.
Friday 26th April.
Julia loves Fridays. She likes to go to a pub in the evening wearing a pink frock, put some Kylie on the jukebox and sit at the bar drinking a sparkly pink drink. Then she likes to thrash all the guys at pool.
Friday 19th April.
“You can tell Jon Snow that I’m not coming to look at any stupid wall. It’s Friday night, the children are asleep, I have a very nice glass of wine and I’ve already taken off my bra. I’m not going anywhere.”
Friday 12th April.
“Don’t look now, but the cute barman can’t take his eyes off you.” whispered Rachel.
It was true, Ken was transfixed. He had spent far too many hours staring at Magic Eye pictures in the early 90s and now Mandy’s dress had him hypnotised. Was that a castle?No, it was a fish…? Darn it, he was so close to working it out!
Friday 5th April.
Last Friday Inaction man had thoroughly sampled the new craft ales at The Broken Doll, gone home, and made an accidental purchase from a well known online auction site. It was probably going to be tricky to cancel it though, so he invited some friends around instead.
“This is very nice, but do you think this boat party might be better if we were actually at sea?” pondered Sindy.
Friday 29th March.
“How many cats were too many cats?” mused Karen. She’d started with one and suddenly they were everywhere.
Bernard would only eat lightly grilled organic quail. Misty was sick in the hall every time she wore green, and she couldn’t have visitors anymore because Fluffles climbed up the chimney and yowled every time someone set foot inside the door. Still, it’s not like they ran her life or anything…
Friday 22nd March.
Sindy loved her allotment. She loved the greenhouse, she loved listening to her mix tapes while drinking tea from her new flask and she loved reading aspirational gardening magazines. Probably, at some point, she should grow some stuff so her family didn’t start to question the amount of time she spent there. Or she could just pick up some veg from the corner shop…
The class had gone out to play and Sindy gazed sadly at the apple on her desk. She had spent the last hour trying to explain fronted adverbials to thirty seven year old children, and frankly an apple was not what she needed right now.
Friday 4th January.
The carriage had been waiting for 15 minutes but Sir Geoffrey just could not make up his mind which helmet to wear. Lady Gwendolynn was not sure this marriage was going to stick. Yesterday Sir Geoffrey had refused to leave the castle because his gauntlets were “so last season.”
New Year’s Eve.
I know, it’s not a Friday, but I just wanted to say Happy New Year to all the friends and followers of Jollydollyshop. Thank you for your
support in 2018, may your 2019 be fabulous!
Friday 21st December.
“My eyes!” shrieked Action Goth as she stumbled into the room. It had been a heavy night at “The Vampire’s Arms” and now she remembered her mother warning her that if she wasn’t up in time her sisters could decorate the tree without her.
Friday 14th December.
Fleur and the Dutch branch of the family have decided at the last minute to spend Christmas with Sindy.
Sindy gives them a warm welcome, while frantically making a mental list of all the spare chairs in the house and wondering whether she can fake a debilitating but sudden illness.
Friday 7th December.
In a rash moment Sindy had agreed to let the children decorate the tree by themselves. She gripped the arms of the chair in an attempt to rein in her inner control freak.
Obviously when the children went to bed she would crack and redecorate it. Oh come on, we’ve all been there.
Friday 30th November.
So, Christmas was coming.
Action Goth was ready for it.
Friday 23rd November.
Here are the lads, on their way home from “band practice” (which apparently is thirsty work.) The triangle is not an instrument usually associated with pop music but Allan has all the musicality of a bag of marshmallows and this way his mates can let him be in the band with the necessary damage limitation.
Friday 16th November.
Tony had made a vague “I’m listening darling” noise when Sylvia explained that she was off to her new Book Club. She felt there was no real need to tell him where the book club was being held.
Friday 9th November.
To absolutely no one’s delight, Hipster Ken has now decided to teach himself to play the bagpipes. His housemates have encouraged him to practice in the shed.
Mandy would like to lock him in there, but Julie protests that it would be against his Human Rights.
“He’s got a flask, a pasty and a sleeping bag” snaps Mandy. “I’ve been listening to his inept racket all afternoon, what about MY Human Rights?”
Friday 2nd November.
It’s the end of another week, and as the children troop through the house spilling school detritus as they go, Sindy discovers this week’s Nit Letter. With a sigh, she ponders whether it would be more economical and efficient for the school to send home a letter on the odd occasion when nobody in the class had nits.
Friday 26th October.
Down at The Broken Doll, landlord Allan felt his Fancy Dress Night was going really well. Even Paul had made an effort. Sort of.
Friday 19th October.
It was time for the Allotment holders’ annual Pumpkin competition. The entries varied considerably but everyone felt that mini Paul might possibly be trying to compensate for something.
Friday 12th October.
Modern witches love social media.
Making and baking with my precious little goblins. Loving the new Grimm’s recipe book, but don’t lick the bowl Maud!
#socursed #potions #justlikemotherusedtomake
Friday 5th October.
The girls had been standing in front of the wall ever since Sindy had entered the room, clutching their pencils and attempting to look nonchalant.
Sindy made herself comfortable. She had a book, a cup of tea and an iced bun. She could wait.
Friday 28th September.
The Sindy witches have gone shopping at Hexco and are enjoying being indignant in the Seasonal Aisle.
“Honestly Maud, Halloween gets earlier every year and look at all these dresses and decorations. In our day you were happy with a dusty coal sack and a bag of newt eyes.”
Friday 21st September.
As Sindy put the rubbish out she realised that she could no longer stand the sight of so many empty wine bottles. Things were going to change.
First thing in the morning she would ring the council and order one of those black recycling boxes with a sturdy lid.
Friday 14th September
” So I’m Tree, and this is my first time trying online dating. I’m looking for someone who shares my interests. I live a very simple, spiritual life. I’m just not into material possessions, structure or rules. I only eat foraged plants, I drink only fresh stream water that has crossed a minimum of two ley lines, I do yoga for two hours surrounded by my crystal collection every evening in my yurt that was handcrafted by Mongolian artisans.
Actually I just heard myself. I’m looking for someone with a good sense of humour and a strong sense of irony.”
Friday 7th September
The kids had gone back to school, Paul was at an office “Team Building” nightmare and Sindy had a ton of work to catch up on.
First of all though, she was going to spend some quality time admiring her empty laundry basket.
Friday 17th August
At last, Sindy had located her phone, but now she surveyed the contents of her handbag with dismay.
Still, she thought, it’s like Mary Poppins’ bag really, but with half eaten biscuits and broken Barbies instead of pot plants
and lamps, which is more useful when you think about it.
Friday 10th August
Allan and Sindy were their oldest friends, so when they had suggested yet another walking holiday “somewhere hilly and bracing”, Tony and Sylvia had given it several careful minutes thought before booking them all a weekend in Vegas.
It would be an awkward evening.
Friday 3rd August
Sindy was finding the school holidays a breeze now that she had her “Secret Hideaway Mini Fridge.” (patent pending)
Sliding back the painting revealed a cornucopia of cheering delights to lift the spirits of the most hard pressed mum.
Friday 27th July
Action Dave had been really looking forward to the Crazy Bumper Lads Holiday But if Hipster Ken didn’t stop murdering “Copacabana” he was going to take that guitar and ….
“Put it on a really high shelf?” supplied Allan, helpfully.
Have a great weekend folks!
Friday 20th July
The summer of 2018 was proving a difficult period for the Jollydollyshop Goths. They had been locked in a darkened room for weeks to avoid getting ” a healthy tan” (shudder) but salvation had arrived in the form of some black market Factor 1000 Sunscreen. Would our gloomy heroes be able to continue their rightful business lurking in the local record shops and graveyards? Only time would tell.
Friday 13th July 2018
Action Dave had once been swept up in the current of a passing Hen Party. They’d ended up in an 80s themed Karaoke bar in Bristol where he’d been forced to sing “Saving all my love for you” whilst wearing a tinsel wig. As Steve tried to coax him from behind the wall, Action Dave wailed,” You weren’t there man, you don’t know!”
Friday 6th July 2018
It’s holiday time, and the whole family is getting the caravan ready. Paul is checking there is enough beer and wondering where Sindy has put his sunglasses. The children are busily unpacking their suitcases and redistributing the contents around the house and garden and Paul’s mother is passive-aggressively stockpiling cleaning products. And what is Sindy doing? Sindy is wondering whether to start a small kitchen fire so they can stay in an all-inclusive hotel with separate rooms.
Have a great weekend folks!
Friday 29th June 2018
Allan has recently been dumped (FYI Gavin, it is NOT pedantic to use different coasters for hot and cold drinks.) Sindy has invited him to something called “Poldark Night” to cheer him up, but he doesn’t see how a programme about 18th century agricultural techniques and pilchard fishing will help.
Friday 22nd June 2018
Down at “The Broken Doll”, Landlord Allan was sensing that he had made a fundamental error when deciding to hold Blind Date Night.
Friday 15th June 2018
Inaction Man had sworn that he would get the flat clean and organise dinner whilst New Age Sindy was teaching her Crystal Healing Workshop at the Community Centre.
He really didn’t see what all the fuss was about; it had only taken two phone calls.
Friday 8th June 2018
“Of course, my Pearl has always slept through the night and eats anything you give her. Mind you, we only eat
homegrown organic seaweed, which is probably why she could swim at 3 months..”
There’s one in every playgroup.
Friday 1st June 2018
Rachel loved her new dress. If she kept very still in her bathroom she could remain undetected by her children for up to an hour.
Friday Fun Photo 25th May 2018
In the cold light of a new day, Sindy hazily remembered agreeing to join the PTA at the pub last night. From now on, her life would consist of “What’sup?” messages about organic cupcakes and listening to Fantastica’s mother complain that no one had booked Idris Elba to DJ at the Year 6 Leavers’ Party.
Tony and Sylvia Brown run a very successful Waste Management company. People often think “waste management “ is a euphemism. This upsets Tony, as he sees himself as a pillar of the community.
Sylvia secretly likes it. She never fails to get a last minute hair appointment and they always have the best table in restaurants.
Friday Fun Photo 11th May 2018
Sindy and Marie are taking their babies to the park. Betty is Marie’s first baby and she has packed 3 nappies, 4 sets of clothes, a changing bag and mat, teethers, teddy, board books, a portable bottle warmer, organic homemade babyfood and a cashmere cardigan.
Lily is Sindy’s second child. Sindy has brought a nappy, wipes and one of those lovely small bottles of wine the supermarket sells nowadays.